@itsa_talia

friendship on fleek

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@ArfMeasures

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

@SentenceReduced

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

@Contwixt

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

@MrPhetz

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

@SondraDeeMe

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

@dafloydsta

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

@Bob_Janke

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you