Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
Date: tell me something interesting
Me: bees make toast
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the “Whoomp”?
Oh, there it is.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you