My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.