*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you’ll find your soulmate
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I’m so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I’m going to instagram it first. Don’t be crazy
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Mom: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me: Of course…we have free healthcare.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.
When did you get electricity in your cave?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence