WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
You Might Also Like
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….