How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you’ll find your soulmate
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*boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that