@mydanimarie

FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you’ll find your soulmate

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@LizerReal

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

@astutenewf

*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

@_wangwe

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.

@fuzzlime

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

@MomOnFire

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

@SoulYodeler

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

@greg_vee

If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that