Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk