[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Best spot.. 😅
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.