Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.


Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks


My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.


I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?


[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”


It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.


ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body.
HER: Did they?
ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?


Drug commercial just listed “death” as a possible side affect.

Seems totally legit.

Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..