Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
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I created you as mosquito food.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too