[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”