@topaz006

Frizzy hair? Coconut oil
No shaving cream? Coconut oil
Dry skin? Coconut oil
Relationship problems? Coconut oil
Bad credit? Coconut oil

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@junejuly12

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

@WheelTod

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

@ruinedpicnic

J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”

@hoedeehoe

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

@64spoons

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

@MichaelTrying

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review