Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.