Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Frizzy hair? Coconut oil
No shaving cream? Coconut oil
Dry skin? Coconut oil
Relationship problems? Coconut oil
Bad credit? Coconut oil
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Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[ Skydiving ]
Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on
Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”