[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

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When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.


‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’

-Drunk people


The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”


I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though


Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!


Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”


Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you


What’s your name?
Where you from, Sienna?
Do you like sports?
You’re just replying w car brands aren’t you?


I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.


tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy