[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
You Might Also Like
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win