You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.
Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.
Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.
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The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!