frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
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tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me