Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”