@TheDairylandDon

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

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@duumb

[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers

[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb

@Eric_Bader

Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.

@MarcACaputo

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

@juskewitch

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

@daemonic3

[math class]

teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

me: by crawling to the counter lmao

teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F