Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey
My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room.
She finished at 9.
I am concerned on so many levels right now.
In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.