@TheDairylandDon

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

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@Rschooley

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

@LarrysTwin99

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

@eedrk

Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room.

She finished at 9.

I am concerned on so many levels right now.

@pattymo

In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@Drivelodeon

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.