From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

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[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers

[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb


Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.


My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am


The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.


If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.


*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*


[math class]

teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

me: by crawling to the counter lmao

teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F