[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.