Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

they finally got him. they got macavity

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

#milo

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”