Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

181.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance