FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
This is my pinned tweet
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.