My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
You Might Also Like
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
bury ourselves
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”