[text from wife]
I want a divorce
Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!
Haha, April fools
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
You Might Also Like
I think we should hear other voices.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?
I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.
JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]
ME: woa!! thanks jesus
JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.