From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
You Might Also Like
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I triple waxed for this?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it