My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020