From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

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Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.


*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*


You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs


My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?


Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?


You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.


[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*


Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.


My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.


Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.