@trevso_electric

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

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@TheBlessMess

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

@EmilyFreestone1

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

@FatherWithTwins

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

@_Tempo11

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

@aveuaskew

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

@abbycohenwl

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

@shahrouzt

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.