From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking