From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.


i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”


cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”



Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…


How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”


“should i go into the arts?”

“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”


“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”


My dog and I have two things in common:
We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas 🙁


fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house


I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.