From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
#Caturday
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I love the honesty
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.