@ddsmidt

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

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@WorstCassie

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

@ReelQuinn

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

@Home_Halfway

SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose

@dumbbeezie

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

@realfunghi

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

@Just_Lee_

I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.