@ddsmidt

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

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@envydatropic

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@KeetPotato

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

@TheBoydP

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

@Mardigroan

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

@myqkaplan

“should i go into the arts?”

“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”

“no”

“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”

@johngaysee

My dog and I have two things in common:
We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas 🙁

@jon_bois

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

@thatUPSdude

I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.