From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.