FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
craving $300 all of a sudden
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
dutch so unserious
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no