@Marcmywords2

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

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@Divergentmama

Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.

@TheHyyyype

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@er0tikka

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.

@AbbieEvansXO

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@juliussharpe

You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.

@AimeeHelene1

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…