From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My birth announcement for our third baby
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I bet
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids