Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…