From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
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cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why