From the other room:

Me: *nods*

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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?


Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*


*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*


My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.


How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.


I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.


what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??


I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support


Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.