[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.