From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Stick it to the man
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”