Just passing along this helpful tip I found 馃槒
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me to fly that won鈥檛 leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you鈥檙e welcome
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were鈥攏ow get this鈥攖rained鈥y鈥鈥oberman.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
North and South
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That鈥檚 the level of petty I aspire to.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Snape: but my lord, isn鈥檛 it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn鈥檛 going to be named Longbottom, jfc
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Last day of lockdown: I鈥檓 going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I鈥檓 uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders