Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children

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The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”


Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?


Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.


When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe


“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders


I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.


JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor


Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.


I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.


How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?