Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children

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At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone

Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%


I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.


You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”


70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.


People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.


Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.


I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.


Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.