It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count