@robfee

Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children

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@IGotsSmarts

The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”

@ericarhodes

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

@roxiqt

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

@KyleMcDowell86

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

@SerenityRising

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

@AnitaHelmet

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor

@krisv_723

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

@iGreenGod

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?