Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Shaydozer

At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone

Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%

@Jenny4ashley

I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.

@McNarstle

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

@FunnyBison

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

@jackmackenroth

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

@andreeahluscu

Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.

@Eagle_Vision

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.

@JCWisdomNuggets

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

@CandyEmpires

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

@AndyRichter

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read