Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.