@SubsistingPasse

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

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@jjmick45

I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA

@JPLFR80

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

@doccy_style

Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?

@ImMelanieGibson

Me: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Yeah, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Husband: Are you talking about Monopoly?

M: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble.

@LittleMissAngr1

Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*

Priest: And the bride?

Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.

@rockymomax

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

@daveexplosm

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

@ComedicBust

Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?

Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.

@Marlebean

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

@boomdingwinning

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker