@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

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@huntigula

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

@Home_Halfway

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

@jtswhipped

I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.

@mommajessiec

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

@daemonic3

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

@TheBoydP

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

@mommajessiec

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

@Try2StopME

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!