found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets