Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*