If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
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Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.