*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
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Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Traveler’s camo
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”