I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Sunday
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen