Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Today’s Times
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Great Canadian literature.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.