fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.