Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
That’s enough internet for the day
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.