Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
M: It was
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.
Schrodinger’s Hater gonna both hate and not hate.
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.