Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants