Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
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MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Catering service
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?