Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
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Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
BETRAYAL
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.