[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Basically.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Always leave them wanting their money back.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what