MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
When they try to steal your moment.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?