@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

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@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? πŸ™‚

Me: oh God no

@0point5twins

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

@awordforaword

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

@ObscureGent

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

@joeljeffrey

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

@addmoreninjas

That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?