Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
At least my masseuse has my back.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.