@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

- @weinerdog4life

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@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@gitson_shiggles

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

@FirstDateStory

“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”

@yalljust_myfans

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

@YuckyTom

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

@BlindChow

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

@90spideypool

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …