Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR FANNYPACK WANT TO GO IN THE VENDING MACHINE.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?