wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
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My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
They also CAN sing✌️
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth