Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
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Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Mouse
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????