@Bob_Janke

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

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@junejuly12

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

@Marlebean

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

@Rollmaninoz

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

@SirEviscerate

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@Shreyayayy

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: How much for the selfie stick?

Him: Sir, that’s an Olsen twin.

Me: I’ll take it.

@fillthevacuum

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

@ArfMeasures

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

@_wendyb07

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

@LionJenkins

Dear Adobe,

In all the times I’ve been to the circus I’ve never seen an Acrobat Reading.