Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.